Taebo

‘Nah… You try, you let me know,’ Ph said as she proffered the CD to me.

Um, was all I managed before she continued. ‘Sorry ah, it’s not a DVD. It’s a CD. The DVD’s with my sister bah.’

I was thinking that was the least of my worries at that point in time as I stood next to her desk, stupefied at the CD case I was holding in my hand.

‘Kau cuba saja,’ she insisted. Just try it.

‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay I will,’ I said.

In truth, I was personally responsible for getting myself into this. Because I was on my ‘exercise’ streak right now, she and I had been chatting quite a bit about fitness programmes that she’d been into before. The CD she’s just handed to me was the Basic edition of Taebo, founded and introduced by Billy Blanks, a 7-time US taekwondo champion. Taebo had been a major fitness trend in the late 90’s and she was one of its most enthusiastic practitioners, she said.

A side note: Ph’s husband was a real gym freak back in his twenties. This guy, as former personal fitness trainer at a large resort here in town, he had the works. The wash-board six-pack I wanted. The well-defined deltoids that you could scoop soup with if you could tear his arms off. The shoulders that were more like over-sized ball bearings. Those pecs that made fake boobs tremble. All in a well-sculptured Greek-godlike package that had the annoying habit of making men weep and women wet.

Ph’s husband, with all his well-formed fitness, had praised his wife’s body to me. He maintained she had looked like one of those superheroines you see in comic books when they were both into working out back then. Even though now they are both in their mid-thirties and had lost their energetic drives to workout in the gym, I could still see the telling shapes and shadows of their fitness. She was taller than the average girl in this town and had strong, long limbs that yet, moved with grace. She looks unassuming yet you knew she could suplex a guy and do her nails at the same time.

No, maybe not, but you get what I mean.

So, she said, to me. Give Taebo a try. Taebo had good exercises that would help me lose excess weight and ‘lean’ me down before any serious muscle building workouts.

On the other hand, I had no illusions about my own state of fitness and what she told about me next about her friend who tried the programme did not do much to reassure a first timer.

‘A***** tried it bah. Hehe… this programme is supposed to last twenty minutes kan…. The next day he came back to me, “what kind of workout IS this?! Oh my God!” Hah, after that, he could not move properly for one week.’

Oh. Good lah, I said to her. I also thought, Gee thanks, but I didn’t say it out loud.

It was only when I got home that it dawned on me that today’s the Mooncake Festival. My neighbour opposite me had a bunch of people over. My window was directly facing them and even now, I could see some of the guests sitting outside, chatting.

I had planned to do the Taebo thing in my room. I would not be able to perform many of the Taebo moves without also putting up a show.

So I pulled the curtains shut. No sense having one of them coming over later and asking, ‘you alright dude? We heard screaming up there.’

I popped the CD into my notebook PC and started the workout programme and laughed my ass off.

What got me was the 80’s style of leotards this Blanks guy and his ‘cohorts’ were wearing on the video. He had on a bright electric blue piece on that showcased his impressive pectoral muscles. The rest of them were wearing almost the same kinds of stuff. Funnily enough, one guy in the back wore one of them white uncle undershirts and a pair of real short shorts.

Anyway, I started to follow what they were doing on screen. Naturally, they stretched at first and that was easy enough. Then came the punching motions. It felt silly but hey, I was workin’ up a sweat.

I nearly knocked myself down on my butt when the sidekicks came. Shit, I couldn’t kick for shit.

The whole thing only lasted twenty minutes. In the end, I was winded but it was not too bad, I thought.

You know what TAEBO stands for? This Agonizing Exercise Blows, Okay?

Nah, I’m just kidding. The real name’s Total Awareness Excellence Body Obedience.

But I think my version’s better. Here’s another one they should have put on the CD cover: Take An Ecstasy Before Opening.

And I think I’m going to do Taebo again. But not with ecstasy, kids.